Dr. Stephen Marmer is a psychiatrist in Los Angeles and is affiliated with UCLA Medical Center.  Years ago, I heard him on a radio talk show discussing what leads to maturity in individuals. He said that there are three major qualities that we must develop to accomplish successfully reach maturity: mastery over the past, a high capacity for anxiety, and the willingness to take on responsibility.  I want to focus on the first characteristic, mastery over the past, which seems foundational to the others. We need to go back to go forward.

Nobody comes from a perfect home, with caregivers who never made mistakes.  As much as I appreciate my parents, I faced challenges in my life for which they did not adequately prepare me.  I had to master the dysfunctional parts of my past to successfully mature as an adult. Some of the rules and patterns I learned in my family of origin were distorted and handicapped my ability to face all the circumstances I encountered as I grew older.    

The Beavers Systems Model of Family Functioning delineates five styles of family relating.  Level 5 is the Family in Pain. It is the most dysfunctional level of family and is characterized by chaos and incoherence.  Family members have feelings of fear and a permanent sense of pending danger. It’s like living in a state of anarchy or civil disorder.  

Level 4 is the Borderline Family.  At this level, the family has dealt with its chaos and lack of structure by installing a tyrannical leader, often the father.  He strictly regulates the behavior of the family, down to what everyone will eat for breakfast. Everything is seen as black or white, and any attempt to develop one’s personality is viewed as treason.  

Level 3 is the Rule Bound Family, and most families fall into this mid-range category.  The tyrant has been deposed in favor of an internalized system of rules, silently agreed upon by family members.  They live by a code of “oughts” and “shoulds,” which must not be violated. To the outside observer, this family appears to function relatively well, yet individuals suppress spontaneity and emotion to get along with each other.

Level 2, the Adequate Family, and Level 1, the Optimal Family, share many common characteristics.  They are flexible and resilient in the face of conflict. Power is shared, and differences among members are celebrated, rather than suppressed.  Level 1 families can adapt better than the previous levels to changes and challenges as they progress through the many phases of life. They maintain a high level of emotional connection and hold the belief that they can successfully work through conflicts.  

Which level best represents your family of origin?  How successfully have you freed yourself from the hang-ups from the past?  The book of Genesis contains the story of Joseph, the favorite son of Jacob.  His brothers despised him, which led them to fake Joseph’s death and to sell him into slavery.  Eventually, Joseph rose to a position of prominence in Egypt, and he was able to save the nation from starving during a time of famine.  His brothers came to Egypt to buy food for their families, and they had direct contact with Joseph, although they did not recognize him at first.  When Joseph finally revealed his identity, his brothers were fearful for their lives. However, Joseph responded, “As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today” (Genesis 50:20).  Joseph had gained mastery over his past. Instead of responding with bitterness and revenge to his brothers, he showed them compassion and forgiveness.

On Friday, September 27, Hemet Valley Christian Church will host a workshop called, “Going Back to Go Forward,” beginning at 10:00 a.m.  We hope you’ll join us as we continue the journey to spiritual and emotional maturity.  

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This was not the first time I faced questions about my identity. When I graduated from high school, I entered college determined to prepare for a career in medicine. I majored in microbiology and took plenty of science courses. About my junior year, I faced a crisis of identity. I no longer had the certainty of my goals. I felt the call of the Lord to pastoral ministry and transferred to a Christian university. I later pursued degrees in counseling psychology. Decades later, I realized that God had not called me to heal physically, but had chosen me as an instrument to help heal others spiritually and emotionally. 

Identifying a sense of self is one of our primary tasks, but it’s one of the hardest. We tend to identify ourselves by what we do (performance), what we have (possessions), what others think of us (popularity), or what has happened to us (pain). Many of us spend our lives trying to fulfill someone’s expectations for us. We often replay patterns that we have unconsciously learned from our families of origin. This profoundly impacts our relationships with others and with God. How can we offer our true selves in service to God when we are deluded by a false sense of self?

What are some signs that we don’t know ourselves? Trying to live as an extrovert when you are really an introvert. Finding yourself constantly saying yes to try to please others, when you really want to say no, then wondering why you’re so stressed. Bottling up anger or disappointment because they are “negative” emotions, rather than finding healthy ways to express them. 

Some of the other indicators of a false self-include: getting depressed when people are upset at you; needing the approval of others to feel good about yourself; remaining silent in order to keep the peace; avoiding looking weak or foolish for not having the answer; criticizing others in order to feel better about yourself; feeling fearful of taking risks; doing what others want so they won’t get mad at you; and comparing yourself a lot to other people. 

Ephesians 4:23-24 says, “You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.” Old self and new self, or false self and true self, in order to understand and have a genuine relationship with God, change must occur in our lives. God helps us to see ourselves realistically with all of our flaws and distortions, and then gives us the power to change into the true version of what He made us to be. 

Hemet Valley Christian Church will present a 90-minute workshop called, “Know Yourself that You May Know God,” on Friday, August 16, starting at 10:00 a.m. It will provide a platform to take a good assessment of yourself, and begin the journey of discovering how God made you and the purposes He has for you, at whatever stage of life you’re in. We hope you will join us for this transformative experience.

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