Breathing Problems


(Breathing Problems)

A Different Point of View

I find myself short-winded a lot lately. I suffer from shortness of breath, labored breathing, maybe even feeling somewhat dizzy and lightheaded. Oftentimes, I find myself hyperventilating and have to stop and take deep breaths to recover.

You might think that I may have some sort of medical condition that affects my breathing apparatus, or that I may have contracted—God forbid—the C-word. But, my condition is brought about by these politicians with their newfound powers to tell me what to do. It is caused by having to wear a mask all the time.

We normally breathe in oxygen and breathe out carbon dioxide. With the mask covering both my mouth and my nose, well, the Carbon Dioxide comes out but then stays inside the mask. With every breath that I take, the amount of oxygen going in is reduced more and more each time, until I am breathing in Carbon Dioxide and I am breathing out Carbon Dioxide. Our system is not made to work that way. As a result, I suffer from all kinds of breathing issues. I might as well start smoking.

What difference would that even make? Levels of oxygen entering my lungs would be diminished either way, but at least a nicotine hit would make me feel better. (Kids, don’t try this at home. I am only sarcastic. You know, like every freaking sentence that comes out of your mouths these days, now that I have to put up with your [s-word] all the time). There are additional problems with wearing a mask.

Now, no one can see my beautiful smile or properly hear my melodious voice. It has made flirting so much more difficult. I have to open my eyes extra wide and lift my cheeks extra high, just so people can see that I am smiling, and not just staring them down. I think most of the workers at these fast food places that I am forced to patronize are going deaf. They can’t hear when I place my order. I keep shouting louder and louder, until I have no choice but to remove my mask and tell them what I am ordering.

(Breathing Problems)

Then they get upset because I am too loud. I can’t win. What’s the point of shaving, if I have to keep my handsome face hidden all the time? Why should I even bother brushing my teeth, when no one is going to be near enough to know the difference? (Actually, I know the difference, when that carbon dioxide that I inhale has this exotic flavor to it. Yes, eww, indeed.) God, was my ears always this big, now that the focus is on them what with the elastic of my homemade facemask pulling them forward.

My ears weren’t pulled this hard, with this much pain, ever since I said something rude to my mother those one thousand and one years ago. Many times, I find myself looking for my glasses, even when my glasses are right on my face. I can’t feel them because the pressure of the mask makes the pressure of my glasses disappear. The only time I know that I have my glasses on is when my breathing fogs up my lenses and I find myself working through blurred vision.

It would be an understatement when I say that I can’t wait for this lockdown to end. I can’t wait to go out and be able to show my face—literally—to the people around me. I can’t wait when clearing of my throat doesn’t send people running away from me. I can’t wait until I can say thank you with the shake of hands, instead of waving from a distance.

Until then, if you see me wobbling around and collapsing in front of you, no need for mouth to mouth resuscitation when I do hit the ground. Just remove my mask and let me breathe some fresh air.

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